FREE FICTION: The carrot or the stick…


A writer I’m connected to on Facebook, Jeremy C. Shipp, asked a question. If you found yourself in FluffyBunny Land and had to become a door-to-door salesman to survive, what would you sell?

Here’s my answer.

FluffTail Bunnymuncher sat easily in his easy chair.
“Damn fine name if you ask me…easy chair. Fuckin’ easy is right. Best damn chair we ever bought, if you ask me.”
FluffTail had a habit of repeating himself, as if one dose of the shit he talked wasn’t enough. His common-law wife, MoistFluffy Crevice, was just about to the point where she’d either kill him or fuck him till he fell asleep. About three and a half seconds after he came, no doubt.
Fucking males!
A soft and discreet knock came from the front door of their burrow in the slums of TailTown, the low-income area of FluffyBunny Land. It sounded almost criminal in its attempt to seem nonchalant.
FluffTail opened the door to see a large guy, bearded and overweight. The human looked left and right before speaking in a low voice and trying to sidle past at the same time, as though hoping one act would distract from the other.
“Gotsumthin’youwannasee, squire…”
Flufftail tried to close the door before the weirdo could get past him, but the guy was faster than he looked. Before he could protest, the human was down the hall and into the lounge, quick as a wink.
By the time Flufftail had closed and triple-bolted the door and ran to the lounge, the freak was sitting in his easy-chair and handing MoistFluffy a carrot.
“This’ll cure what ails ya, see if it don’t.”
FluffTail didn’t like this. He didn’t like it one iota.
“Now see here…”
Before he could even repeat himself one time to make his point, the human cut him off by thrusting a second carrot down FluffTail’s throat.
“Try this for free and see if you don’t like it. If you do don’t like it then you don’t have to have it, but if you don’t don’t like it, then you would have already tried it. See?”
Suddenly the human’s eyes rolled back in his head and he mumbled several incoherent sentences. It seemed to FluffTail, who had chewed and swallowed the rudely-dealt carrot, that he was talking to himself. After another minute of hurried one-sided conversation, the human shook his head and looked at FluffTail once again.
“Dude, the boss said that you’re our lucky one thousandth customer this month. You win six months supply of our best product. Double UoGlobe Carrots Grade One.”
“What sort of name is that for carrots, you moron…what sort of name?”
“Why, it describes our product most efficiently. Grade one carrots, those we sell. Here’s our card, wish you well.”

FluffTail was all of a sudden feeling funny, both nauseous and dizzy. He turned to the non-easy sofa and collapsed there, feeling shittier than the time he’d shafted that crazy fucking March Hare.
Goddamn viagra/coke speedballs.
“Delivery will be about three PM this afternoon, my furry friend.”
With a smile and a wink, Braun left to go recruit his next customer…
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